Human language is unique and generative, and enormously powerful to either contribute to people’s enjoyment or make their life miserable. Every day we touch people in different ways, and why not use the power of our language to enrich lives and make yourself feel good?
Nonviolent Communication presents a simple method for clear, empathic communication, and enables you to genuinely connect with others and defuse any potential conflict.
Violent Communication vs Nonviolent Communication
To look at what the nonviolent communication is, let’s first look at what it is not. Dr Rosenberg referred to violent communication as “life-disconnected, life-alienated thinking and language”. This way of thinking and speaking is based on judgement, labelling, humiliation, blame, criticism, coercion and firm notion of who is right/wrong. It pushes people away from connecting.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), on the other hand, allows people to be conscious, present, and genuine, without implying wrongness on the other party. It helps people to connect at the deeper level of values and needs and build quality connection. NVC enables people to share their perspectives harmoniously and listen behind the statement. As a result, people are more compassionate and less defensive, they communicate better and conflicts are less likely to occur.
The Nonviolent Communication Process
The Nonviolent Communication process consists of four components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests. Each of these four components has two parts, as for any communication model: speaking and listening. NVC refer the two parts as honesty (one’s authentic and genuine self-expression) and empathy (how one listens). We use these in conjunction with our Nonviolent Communication skills to exchange information and make both parties feel more connected and bring about mutually beneficial outcomes.
The four components of the Nonviolent Communication process are introduced below, as well as some practical hints on how we use them:
Observations
Your perceptual observation of the neutral facts provides the basis of the communication, so both parties are clear of what you are talking about.
Practical Hints:
State the factual observations that lead you to initiate the communication, with no judgment or evaluation. This provides a common ground for communication and eliminates confusion. For instance, “It is 10:30 am and I see you just arrive at work” states an observed fact, while “It’s way too late for you to arrive at work” makes an evaluation.
Feelings
Feelings are the physical sensations we experience in our body and emotions in a given interaction. They offer a great opportunity for us to establish a powerful connection with another person, communicate our own experience or understand the other side of the story.
Practical Hints:
Inform the other party about your emotion triggered by the observation, or ask what the other person is feeling without judgment. It helps to identify the feeling that you or the other person are experiencing at that moment and enables you to connect with mutual respect and cooperation. For example, “It is 10:30 am and I see you just arrive at work. I feel my time is not being respected.” Or if you want to ask the other person “The board meeting is in half an hour and I see you are pacing. Are you feeling anxious?”
Needs
Understanding people’s needs bring communication to the core, allowing people to see each other’s humanity. It enables the understanding and healing process and sets the tone for a win-win solution. It is important to point out that in NVC, ‘needs’ differ from ‘desires’ in the sense that they are shared by all people, and not specific to any particular circumstance or strategy for accomplishing them.
Practical Hints:
State the need which cause a particular feeling, or ask the same for the other party without judgement. It provides clarity on what is going on with both parties at the moment, and help to identify the underlying need. For instance, “I haven’t been involved in the team decision, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I need to be heard as part of the team.” Or you can ask the other person “I understand that you were not involved in your team decision. Are you feeling sulking because your voice is not being heard?”
Requests
Expressing what you want by making a concrete request and taking responsibility for it.
Practical Hints:
Ask clearly and explicitly for what you want instead of beating the bushes. It is important to note that you are making a request, not a demand, which means the other person has the choice to reject or offer you something else. For example, “How about we have a weekly all-inclusive team meeting to discuss the decision which impacts our team going forward?”
Remember, in any communication it is never about ‘who is right and who is wrong’, it is always about ‘how can I make life more wonderful’. When people experience quality connection, they will spontaneously feel motivated to create win-win outcomes.
Here at Leadership Tribe, we can help you or your team to incorporate compassionate communication in your interactions with family, friends, co-workers, or anyone else you come into contact with. Contact us at [email protected] to find out the solution that best suits your needs.
